Crushed Feelings

Hiding behind the heavy drapes of curtains two eyes scanned the presence of the new comer very minutely. in between she hushed me to be silent. She was actually trying hard to overhear the communication going on in between my parents and this guest who probably came with a proposal for my elder sister. she seemed disinterested so asked me a thousand questions but failed. Her face looked clouded as she hated the very  idea of marriage. I on the other hand was very curious about her marriage and imagined many a things. Why she was so dull? I dared to collect my grits and ultimately asked her the reason. To my question she looked at all the sides with great care and took me downstairs where mostly no one cared to go , our home being a double storeyed we could use the downstairs as and when we liked to have privacy.

She held me close to her, looked straight into my eyes and asked, “You love me really?” I was taken aback at this sudden question thrown at me in this manner. Yes, I tried to utter in dismay.” Then listen to me  and tell ma about it when no one is around ok” I said ok, with a lump in my throat as I could sense some unpleasantness in her way of behaving with me. Suddenly she covered me in her arms and started sobbing incessantly making me somewhat perplexed. Her narration in between her sobs revealed so far hidden facet.

Our neighbor family was very close to us to the extent of leaving their children with us when they needed to go out of station in urgency thus we were more like a family. There was no question of any hesitations in staying with them as well. I remember clearly my sister Neema being pampered by all the family members, she was the first female child in our two generations where no one had a girl child unfortunately. Her every activity was acclaimed and she was always getting full attention from everyone. I many a times felt jealous of her looks, intellect, attention she got, love, caring and lots more to list. Sibling jealousy is nothing new among kids especially while growing.

She was once I think due to her exams left with the neighboring family for 2 days. We had gone for a death in family. When after our return I saw her swelled face I was alarmed but on my query she just brushed away telling her stomach pained lot and I believed instantly. Every now and then she would complain of acute stomach pain. This time it was not the same. She was molested by the uncle in our absence. He was a heavy built police man with whom we would not speak much. He had gagged her so that she could not scream. He several times molested her and then left her as if nothing happened  with a warning not to utter a single word to anyone about this. She felt sort of weak, head spinning, stomach pain and headache giving her a sick feeling. She hated her self and refused to take anything saying not well. Ultimately when we took her to our family doctor , she advised to take healthy food, fruits and rest. what about the agony she underwent?

She had bruised her whole self without any mistake of hers just for being a girl crossing the thresholds of childhood. Was it a crime to be born as a girl? Was it a mistake to respect elders? Was it a mistake to be a lovely child? Was it her mistake to have mingled with the family so close? Her mistake was just being a pretty girl and that punishment was a curse on her blooming age. She could no more smile, laugh, enjoy, sleep at a stretch without feeling frightened so in short lost her peace of mind totally. She wanted to enjoy her childhood with friends but she felt deeply disturbed to move with others. A sense of  being watched or followed by someone always disturbed her.

She on the sight of males burned with hatred and wanted to get away to be comfortable. Why this much fury over all the gents at times she used to think but was helpless as she could not control her feelings. While sleeping also she could not feel relaxed from the piercing eyes. Mostly tucked the bed sheet around her tightly. In the midnight she would sweat profusely horrified by a nightmare. Almost a fearful attitude throughout the day was her permanent nature now. Without realizing  this mom was arranging her marriage, how could she cope up with all these nightmares after her marriage with a stranger, how would he understand her fears and limitations?

She was praying that the groom family should reject her on any grounds so that she could escape the horrible life. Collecting all her grits she narrated to mother all her terrible experience with the uncle. mother was tongue tied and knew not how to react. She believed him and he was behind spoiling life! She decided to handle this herself practically and dragged me one day to his place. Asked him face to face , “would you marry my daughter?” this was a big blow to his masked face and he searched for words as cornered he could not even lie! I thanked my stars for mom being supportive. She ranted like a mad person and ultimately told him never to step inside her house again on any pretexts!

At least unlike most of the moms she believed and gave a warning to the uncle. her mental fears haunted her anytime making her a frightened being contrary to her natural self.

After all the discussions we came to a decision of taking her for a therapy session to clear the hurdles so that she could again enjoy her days normally in healthy manner! Frequent sessions with psychologist brought evident changes in her personality as well behavior and we heaved a sigh of relief. In between she became eligible for marriage and after the therapy sessions was getting ready mentally to settle down with a life partner. We all were happy for the positive changes in her. She could feel the difference and many a times asked me too whether I had anger over her. She was the apple of our eyes being the first female child but fate played a wicked game with her.

Finally a day arrived and Shubha was made ready to give consent for marriage with a well settled engineer in Canada. We were engrossed in arrangements when she suddenly shook  us with a question. does Nikhil know about me everything?” how was it possible? he agreed without any demands to marry her the moment he set his eyes on Shubha and that was a very heartening thing for us then how can we spoil everything? She was but adamant on telling him everything herself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crushed Feelings

Stop A minute!

I was in Mumbai when the parents of Nirbhaya were protesting and on the last day of verdict crying on the partial attitude for judgement. When a crime can be committed why leave him clean as if he did something great or without realization??  Only protests don’t mean we have realized the seriousness. On the part of the culprits who somehow escape the penalties and do not worry about the verdicts at all, how then the rates of such crimes can come down in our India ? Aren’t  we supporting the wrong doers openly ?

We have become insensitive or just ignore can’t say but really these days our reactions have somehow lost the sharpness. It’s so common to read in news papers and listen on news channels about the small babies being raped ruthlessly! How our country laws can be so very flexible to release the culprit and leave the victim in heart rending state to regret her life for being a female and watch the injustice silently! What’s the point then in giving coverage ? Just a news ? Have we become gradually insensitive or our spirits have dampened ?  If in her place our sisters or mothers were the culprit, would our reactions be the same ?

So many acid attacks, so many scarred faces , dampened  spirits, dejected girls though they live taking life as a challenge to prove still at a juncture certainly they would feel the agonies forced upon them just for being a beautiful woman! Why our govt is so flexible towards crimes against woman ? How then we claim to respect woman ? In any other country if such a thing happens in no way the culprit can roam freely valiantly like our country, don’t we have double standards still after progressing  in every field ?  It’s not progress unless and until we learn to respect a woman for what she does for our society , it’s high time we taught our children to respect a girl’s feelings while growing as once grown the mind sets can’t be changed at any cost. A friend told once painfully that after the present generation maybe the genes change and the woman gets due respect from the bottom of the heart. Many a families still ill treat woman and the children who witness would too have similar attitudes at some or the other junctures of life. It’s painful to see the beautiful faces scarred to this extent !! I do not know how those ladies survive with a zest to fight injustice ??  they are the real warriors of modern times beating even the culprits by just ignoring them. What a shame they roam free in the same society!

My mind has just become numb to think am too a female witnessing this injustice. Once a friend told crime rates are on  increase so we should  not  have girl child as it’s much more difficult to  safeguard them than rearing, how very true!! but I hated that idea. Now also after 25 years the scenario has not changed  much. only ladies could not dare to speak as it was a taboo even to talk about such things, forget about complaining openly. I shudder now also the same to think about these stone hearted males who make a wrong impression for so  many genuine ones. Am  supporting two such heart broken girls for their education who even feared to survive after they experienced a horrible incident at home in family, how could they tell to disgrace own family ? Family needs to protect these innocent victims, who withered even before could bloom into a beautiful person, certainly not the culprits.

Shame on our social structures,  we give so little importance to our woman !! Without whom we can not even live peacefully or happily.

 

Stop A minute!

Our Enemy Anger

I remember my growing days painfully with lots of negative things coming in my life and shatter my personality into pieces , mind always full of depressions and frustrations. Though I had lots of positive energy as I used to read books of various people who made their life a success despite the hurdles, yet my mind felt a deep isolation from all the happenings around me. At times I used to feel bad for being born in such a family. We can change and decide everything except the parents and adjustment is the only option left to us. I did my level best to get adjusted silently yet my heart used to revolt against the set standards. Had to keep mum even if I hated to as I was the youngest of all the children. We were a team of 4 members. Me being only girl ,3 of the boys had a good time be it ragging, enjoyment, fun time or sports and I used to lag behind them with a half heart.

How much I hated to be alone! Had no word in decision making. Always nodding even if had no liking! Gradually I became slight bold and whoa!  I started getting a power in everything, so all these years I dragged myself meekly to their liking though without interest and after all listened to me too equally my opposition suppressed surprisingly enough. So this rebel was just a hood! Ultimately our whims need little pampering from family as a recognition!

I first saw anger when my father used to talk sternly , now I can understand how tough it would have been for him to manage a family of 5 children on single income!! But at that tender age I had nothing except fear gripping my spirits just closing my eyes tight so as to avoid looking at his angry face! From childhood I cared for everybody and never at all found it hard but anger was always on the end of the list of liking. Second I saw my elder brother as a replica of my father. I even shuddered to talk to him as on which pretext he would lose his temper was a mystery for me at that age. We had 5 years gap still it seemed like 15 years to me so very wide. Some say that hot tempered people are good at heart but when anyone fears even to talk how can they know about your heart?

I have seen people running away from hot tempered people and them feeling bad for not being social or people not understanding them. We all love to be accepted but the same goes with others too. If anyone is not having the daring to move freely with you how can a relationship be formed? Mostly those who find to control temper a hard thing raise hands at the slightest pretexts too and this again is a big drawback for any relationship.  The children suffer very badly with such short tempered people and become insecure and low esteemed. The most dangerous thing is to see children grow fearful. Better to learn stress management than letting children get affected with our personal problems to the extent of becoming insecure and nervous type.

Take care of your siblings so that when they grow they need not face split personality traits. In most of the cases it’s too tough even to trace such things in early stage.

Our Enemy Anger

Why This Much Of Pain?

Ladies can never be complimented in words I think. We have advanced technology, high qualifications, comparatively better life-style than our previous generation, freedom of thought and leading life as we wish to, luxurious homes with all the facilities which were not even imagined a few decades ago yet our minds haven’t changed the least when it comes to a baby girl being our first and in most of the cases am mentioning with remorse second child also a girl. The parents may not even bother but the people surrounding them would sympathize with them in the same manner we sympathize with a family of a deceased. Why this much of pain on a female child’s birth?

We must not forget the days though we haven’t witnessed , it’s very much true, our country had the tradition of “swayamvar” organized and the girl would be given full freedom to select her future life partner without any hesitation amongst the full court of almost eligible kings of the surrounding empires. then came the black clouds like days when hearing the fame of our fortunes neighbouring countries invaded and robbed us not only of our fortunes also stole our FORTUNE making us unfortunate in every sense enslaving our minds to the extent of  treating the ladies cheaply. Actually earlier they were not sent out to safeguard but later it changed into slavery of males and house arresting ladies!

Alas, if only we could learn the rich heritage our country had!! Equality in education, archery, medicine, martial arts, arts, beauty, magic, astrology, surgery, ayurved, homeopathy, acupressure, sex and much more to be acclaimed. in no way ladies were less than their counterparts in society. Well educated and advanced in every manner! These foreigners spread a fear in our minds and in the 200 years of slavery we totally lost our intellect and started behaving like beasts to woman, shameful but in it male started feeling superior to female. As always she never bothered but went on sacrificing herself for the sake of family.  Again now we are ready to get equipped in every field, like the golden era.

After the girls get matured enough to step in the bond of  marriage , they are kept under vigil , why? Not to protect but to make her less confident and homely in the name of safety.  When suddenly she faces some hurdles she panics and searches someone to help her but just imagine why a girl should be deprived of her basic rights to get education and freedom? If she can take hold of a family well enough adjusting to maintain the balance why can’t she manage her life in the same manner? She can and she will if left undisturbed. Our family members won’t encourage her creativity, intellect, talents, knowledge then how she would dare to venture on her own? Unfortunately if the spouse dies she can prove her potential but on the contrary if the husband is with her she can never think about HER dreams, plans, desires and anything. This is just an example of our enslaved minds. We need step out of that limited notions and think in a little broad minded manner to overcome this burdensome attitude which ultimately kills a person’s inner self brutally.

Celebrate her womanhood and make her self-reliant so that she can take still better care of your family with great love and enthusiasm with a live spirit not like a burden with a longing and pain. Hope what I meant is conveyed to my dear most readers clearly and it would be soon activated practically in real life. Am sure to see a changed society shortly. We all love our family but need to shed ego, selfishness and narrow minded attitude to let our damsels smile wide and enjoy living every moment!!

Why This Much Of Pain?

In My View

LOVE, this small word is a taboo especially for ladies, what a joke! The very beginning of Love is denied love and asked not to utter a single word at all!! It’s beyond decency limit even to speak let alone it happen practically. Am a strong supporter of love but when it was denied to me I was stunned and turned numb! Is this you Neelima? We can not believe that even you would become like this one day, what a strong blow to our strong beliefs ignited by you. How can you change so much? How you allowed to be changed so drastically, why? So many questions were thrown at me with shock, surprise and disbelief. Yes I changed a lot, but why? Family ties change a person beyond imagination. Once I used to talk against violence and mental torments against woman but as I got m a r r i e d, I found with disbelief myself changing gradually against my own opinions. God has created ladies mentally flexible to set themselves in any type of circumstances with a willingness to serve and spread LOVE.

Ladies have no rights to express dissatisfaction whereas males have full rights to say openly they are not content with married life. Both have equal part in a strong passionate relationship and no one would disagree on this but when ladies feel discontent it’s brushed away with a light smile or mockery. Why this partial attitude on the most essential aspect of life? We are the biggest hypocrites in the matters related with ladies. we relish food, enjoy her service, cherish her presence around us but when it comes to their rights or freedom especially as a husband never hesitate to restrict in the name of possessiveness or being protective or not willing to take risk and many such biased excuses without any practicality. The reality is we fear their intellect, abilities, patience and above everything they might overpower you, a man! Isn’t it a shameful thing not to accept a female’s growth happily? Am pleased to say a few man exist who support, care, nurture the dreams of their better half, take full responsibility to keep them smiling but their percentage is highly low unfortunately.

Frankly speaking hardly you woulds find ladies who have not lost themselves in the burning fire of life and are content to be born as a female. We were talking about Love, so how many ladies have lost their zest for life, love for doing something for themselves, forgotten their identity and so many things to list. 75% ladies literally DIE after their children are born and life becomes a mundane schedule for most of them. Where does then comes Love, it becomes a formality more than a boost for life. The reason is they are not given importance in the matter of sexual contentment at all.  It’s a very very natural thing but when such basic things are denied then how people expect a lady to smile and live  life with vigour? It’s the same as expecting a caged bird to be as chirpy as one in the blue sky soaring high.

For leading a happy life with full fledge we may not need a rich status but surely a healthy sexual relationship and understanding spouse. It’s highly essential that the ladies learn to express their needs and cease treating this concept as taboo. When a person suicides due to sexual problems it becomes clear to all but while living so many die and it’s all under the bed sheets hidden. Our fake life style is killing the multi faceted ladies and we too are losing much happiness. It’s the apt time to reflect and bring the changes in our life, if we do not try who else can improve our life? hope to see a better society and happy ladies doing wonders with a content mind.

LOVE is an inseparable part of our life which must be maintained and nurtured with utmost care.

 

In My View

My Heart is Beating….

My heart really skips a beat at the sight of my family nowadays especially after swimming against the currents valiantly and looking back at my voyage! So I have been not a bad one at least! Love marriages are really great success but mostly people due to their biased attitudes fail to commend the pairs for leading life without caring the hurdles around them, always ready to get criticized without the slightest understanding or humanity. Why this fight for keeping their choice always on the top of everything? Is it ego, fear of rejection from the so called society ? As far my experiences count I have not seen anyone supporting in bad phase except friends and when good times are back this society is always there to join for a chorus.

A newly wed couple had hardly spent a month when the harsh remarks from the parents forced them to suicide, despite their strong objections though married yet lacked the patience to manage the looks and remarks for long , finally succumbed to the rope around their neck without thinking at all, reason rude attitude of parents which hurt beyond limit. Ultimately after losing their wards who can be happy? adamant attitudes bring such consequences still we stick to the old beliefs in a very orthodox manner.

So many couples do this folly and regret later with contempt! Instead of accepting the children’s decisions if we keep opposing would there be normal happy relationship in any family? Not at all , then why lack courage to face alone the objections of our so called society which automatically subside with time.

We must learn to accept the changed scenario as mingling of cultures is a commonly seen thing now. our children going out for jobs and study it’s quite natural to grow liking which also shows our generous attitude towards our own country people. Children born to the mixed marriages are usually more intelligent and also less prone to some negative things associated with a particular race. Ready to adjust in any circumstances as from childhood many a things are registered in the tender minds regarding acceptance in society. Also the children have more practicality and culture knowledge.  I think personally when we can accept the hybrid seeds why not the live seeds can get acceptance? we can expand and improve lot of things by accepting these mixed marriages happily.

My Heart is Beating….

My Voyage through uncertainty…

I remember vividly the joys of growing into a teen, eyes full of dreams, heart full of imagination and mind ready to do adventurous things, wow superb phase of life but recall painfully how a few could snip off the happiness cruelly leaving behind the deep scars for a life time!! A friend was in sobs on the slight mention of teen age experiences after almost 25 years!! We gathered just for a change and someone broached this teen age experience issue, none noticed but I saw her sniffing softly wondering what went wrong to upset her so much. When I asked she broke down like a child, narrating in between the sobs gasping and looking here and there like a baby with her dark black heavy eyes, fearing anyone overhearing her woes.

I could just lend my ears to erase her pains. She spent her childhood in her grandparents home where she was the apple of almost everyone in surrounding as well home. When teen age tapped her doors she was so thrilled with everything she came across, which can only be experienced. She was treated with much of pampering and care that made her friends envy her luck. Being the only girl in the family of three uncles and two aunts she was treated with utmost care and love in everything she asked or thought of. She just wondered how a girl can be so fortunate!! One day all her good dreams turned into nightmares and days became dark. She went to a friend’s place to spend some time. Without knocking the door as usual brimming with joy entered home and bumped into her brother. He was more than happy to see her dressed in a charming red frock laced around neck to make her look more elegant. To his eyes but she looked gorgeous and quite appealing. Once inside she didn’t realize him bolting the door behind her back and advancing towards her with a wicked smile. She tried hard to resist but could not escape his clasp around her frail body. She could feel his breathing over her delicate neck and frightened she could not even scream as she never expected in her wildest dreams any such thing would come across to snatch her lovely eyes beauty permanently. He tried to make her feel comfortable but she was like a frightened deer in a lion’s claws fearing every moment and unable to utter a word. He left her at her door steps ruefully with great care after fulfilling his mean, wicked desires. She could barely notice the steps as her big eyes were filled with bitter and salty tears making her throat choke with mixed emotions, body cracking with a heavy unbearable pain. Why she has to face such a bad thing in such a tender age? What was her mistake? When she sobbed and refused to have lunch, grandma came and caressing her hair asked gently, “Why my dear, you don’t feel hungry or what? Come we would lunch together, I have prepared specially for you Brinjal fry.” How could she refuse her love? She could barely eat, on the pretext of stomach pain she left food half eaten to grandma’s dismay. After that day her chirpiness vanished and gloomy expression made her beautiful face dull.

She could not focus on studies like before and the teachers were quite shocked to note the changes. Maybe she missed her mother who left her two years back in tears. Somehow days passed at it’s own pace and soon it became very evident to almost everyone around her that something fishy is making her change into a sober and matured person in such a tender age when she was barely 17 years! Immediately arrangements were made to visit a psychologist and they were shocked to hear the narration of that awful incident piercing the hearts ruthlessly. So this thing only shattered her whole personality! She was given sedatives but her smile never came back. She changed into a sober and matured person, still very attractive and charming to those who loved her more than anything else in the world. She forgot friends and smile, now immersed in reading and writing to get rid of her woes hovering all over her person.

Soon after completing 12th with great efforts she decided to work and study in night college, here our friendship bloomed into a strong relationship. Though I listened to her painful experience which drastically diverted her to lead a life without any grip and interest to whatever life offered. Unfortunately the villain in this whole story was from brahmin community and senior to her, thus my faith in caste system vanished into thin air and I found myself turning a highly irritated creature on the slightest mention of caste. I could not help but dwell on a few incidents of my life.

Generally we meet people of different attitudes but some stay in our mind with their unique attitudes leaving an impression and a mark over our mind. I fortunately met such a person. He became a friend when I started working. He used to playfully rag but never meant to hurt. I liked him being of similar characteristics, could confide to him without worrying about anything. We had a genuine liking for each and a rapport full of mutual understanding. We never cared about anyone or anything, the people around us had so much to say about our relationship which was never considered. What amused most was backbiting. I had a habit if anyone assumed things I used to fuel their mind.

After a certain period we were separated and shifted to different places, I got so occupied in family life that almost lost touch, being in rural area never gave importance to anything than family and probably that was the biggest folly of mine. Suddenly after 17 long years when we happened to face each other it was simply a surprise as he had 2 sons and I had 3 children we never dreamed of meeting at all. My best friends were married and had 2 handsome sons, meeting welled up so many memories that hardly the time of 4 hours was enough yet a deep satisfaction of being together filled my mind with a content. After our departure we sometimes called up and inquired the well being but time flew and lots of things changed.

Suddenly one day I got the news of my friend demise which shook me to no end. She was healthy and above everything he took good care of her in every possible manner. Then how she died in mid of a happy life!! Maybe God loved her more than us! After almost 2 years of her demise am still not able to forget her, god only can console her family. Both the sons have grown up and studying yet the caring and love of a mother is incomparable. He is a very friendly father and tries his best to bridge the gap. I am very surprised when I heard him talk about his son’s emotional attachment to a girl with pride and happiness. Can a father be so friendly? I can’t imagine from a male so easy acceptance without any egoistic interference. The children are really fortunate to have such a father.

Though she is not among us but she too enjoyed her life with him as he was the best caring person a girl could think of as a husband. A son he takes care of his parents. In my friends I have liked him the same from my young age till now, sometimes if stressed he is a stress buster for me lending his ear silently and laughing out my worries easily to make me relax. I sometimes think why God separates couples leading a happy life and feeling incomplete without each other so cruelly? She asked me before leaving, “Are you happy with your life?” I nodded and that was the last thing we shared. I gifted her with my friend and she in return gifted two sons, reminding me of her presence around always.

I was in teens quite upset as I had some fixed biased attitudes and thus felt a strong hatred towards male counterparts to the extent of feeling a burning sensation produced due to the hatred thus making me a cripple in many a ways when it came to confront them face to face, be it any situation I could not resist my inner feelings though very brilliantly I could hide but I felt disgusted for even talking to them. I used to think often, It’s unhealthy attitude and must get rid of it at the earliest but who could help me? I then decided to help myself as I knew myself well than any other person so started a self analysis round and made a list of things I felt like changing immediately.

My friend being attached to me, I thought of utilizing his presence to shed my psychological hurdles thus I started to behave friendly with him but my inner self resisted strongly which I ignored tactfully. In a few weeks I could see positive changes like the sight of males didn’t irritate me. then I started moving freely like shaking hands or patting gently thus apart from my initial self rejections I could again see the changes happily unlike earlier days. While eating I made it a point to share food with them who knew me well thus started a round of inner battle. Gradually I could overcome my basic hurdles which could be spotted by others if keenly observed, my first step towards success then I focused on behavior which aroused a deep discontent within me if against my heart I talked freely to any person. I started inviting my friends home and spent time with them being with family I felt comfortable but at the same time rebelled against my own mental fears convincing every male can’t be a devil unlike my mental pictures. Initially I failed but then with my friends I could see myself relaxed in being with them. this was my second successful step.

After a few years constant efforts I succeeded in changing lots of silly things which hang around me thus creating a false world, devoid of enjoying anything always immersed in depressions. I met a man who expressed his liking for me the very first day he spoke to me, I was aghast as I knew my problems whereas he had seen me only as a silent type of person and had wrong ideas of my character so I straightaway refused though little hard for him yet somehow I convinced him.I gave him a list of all the negatives in my mind which would be against for a healthy relationship as a husband wife, told to consider and then talk anything as it was impossible to maintain a healthy relationship. After 3 days he again approached me with the same adamant attitude of marrying me.

I felt pity for him as he underestimated the whole things being deeply impressed with my character. I then told him to straight away meet my parents for anything regarding marriage, as if he was not bold enough he won’t go to my parents and I could escape from him. We worked in the same manufacturing unit so in a day frequently had to see each other for the various procedures. He went and met my mother and expressed his desire to marry me, which was not on my cards at all. My mother was perplexed as I had told her already to refuse his proposal giving some excuse which she did but he was not willing to listen to any excuse and every Sunday met her, spent time talking to her thus she developed a liking for him and finally agreed for marrying us reluctantly giving the reasons of tortures from his parents side being inter-state marriage which he instantly brushed away smiling valiantly.

The day was fixed for our marriage. 14th October being an auspicious day as a close friend suggested, we registered our marriage and then went to a temple of Goddess Kali, for some rituals like wearing toe rings and bangles and accepting each other as life-partners. After the final marriage we came home, took blessings of my parents, his parents being against and in south, we took blessings from his house owner who too were from south and liked him, after the basic sentimental rituals we came to our place as husband and wife. Full day went smoothly but night brought all the possible nightmares which I had in my mind, making me a paralytic. Again I had to struggle with myself to be normal with him which was really impossible. Though we worked at the same place but never had a chance to be physically close so his presence made me fearful and nervous sending negative signals entirely collapsing me as a wife. His hands when touched me I felt a sort of hatred spreading and disgust enveloped me. I just kept his hands away, so shocked he just looked at me in questioning manner, I told him to stay away giving a lame excuse which obviously perplexed him.

Though familiar faces we never had been in close contact in any way, him being hot tempered always I used to remain aloof but here fate tied me with him. I sat in silence deeply disturbed mentally and he too disturbed for not able to experience his first night with his newly wed wife!! What a plight!

My mind slipped in past days when the seed of this hatred was sown in early age. I was barely 10 years old, I used to go to mill for grinding wheat and other such jobs, being crowded many a times had no option than to wait and this proved a curse for me. From my childhood I was very sharp and observant, the person at the mill was not a good fellow and tried to molest the young girls who came to mill, unfortunately I witnessed this heinous thing and in my mind started to hate the males from the depth of my heart. As I grew this hatred too grew and I found myself mentally cripple as I had to study with boys in school, had to move with boys in so many circumstances. In my eyes all the males were culprit. One by one this thing got more and more strong as sex abuse though not publicized like present times yet had its root in my times nearly 40 years back also.

If the girls tried to tell their moms about the next door neighbor they were instructed to keep their “mouth shut” on the pretext of “creating problems” in the family. These moms are strange as they want to protect the wrong doers not their daughters! What a stupid attitude! Who is important the daughter or the culprit? Why this fear of getting a bad name? From whom, for whom, Why, What purpose it serves? So many unanswered questions were constantly itching my mind.

Another person who once again made a strong impact over my tender mind was one old man nearing 75, we used to play with him enjoying his company addressing as grandpa, he was the father of our house owner lady. He forced young girls who played with us to massage his genitals, this scene shattered my respect for elders. How an elderly person can be so vulgar? A teacher in school tried to please his dirty intentions in touching the shoulders and back while doing correction work on the pretext of explaining to them. He even used to put his hands around girls very closely. This annoyed me and I became a very silent type of person as a result because I could not ask clearly or do anything being young.

These things stopped my normal activities and I became over-matured and thoughtful person, at times depression engulfed my whole self but none at home spotted my problems as otherwise I was a normal duty-bound person doing all my jobs, I failed to concentrate on studies and always a silent fear gripped my mind. I could not trust a male be it any relation, Was it wrong? My mind was always perplexed yet I was a good sister, daughter. Nowadays parents, media, friends all seem to be over caring but in my teens nothing like this was there to comfort or console so always a fright hang around and made me an imbalanced person. I had a good control though yet very close friends could sense something fishy but I never shared anything to anyone.

My twin sister was not with me till quite a long time so none to understand my feelings. Ultimately I decided to step out of this gloomy world and started writing to vent my frustrations and hatred. Without letting my address published I kept publishing my articles in Manorama, Sarita, Mukta, Dharmyug etc, one of my teacher asked me to cut and file those but I never gave much importance. It helped me become little normal outwards. Inside but I was the same and the hatred kept my mind burning. Then after 12th when I started working I made it a point to free myself from this low self esteem and unwanted negatives, taking the help of my friend Prakash I could succeed but without even letting him know. Initially I felt a storm of hatred towards him then it subsided. Another person who helped me with a lot of love and care was Raja, he addressed me thangachi meaning younger sister in Tamil which I never knew. Though he is no more I can’t forget his genuine affection. These two boys helped me sail smooth and to a great extent I could feel normal.

Then came the blow. A person at that time who is now my dear husband approached me for marriage. I was hanging in my shattered world and he was dreaming of marrying me! He was a genuine person, who heard everything I told him about the incidents breaking me to this extent in cool mood and said to be away from all the worries, and that he would take care of me well. I was behind refusing and he was behind pursuing and finally he won after almost 6 years long battle of silence and tears. I used to feel highly depressed but myself unaware of any such thing. After we got married I warned him not to disturb me in any way as though I seemed normal the storm inside was still the same. After our marriage on 14th October, seeing my nonplussed behaviour he went to Bangalore in a few days, though reluctant left as he failed to convince me. On Dec 24th he came back and that gap filled the gap between us silently without any hang ups we started our married life. Without any grudges for whatever troubles I gave he proved to be a very gentle person and till date he is the same.

I could not cope up easily but had no options then to surrender.I sailed through ups and downs managing somehow and became a proud mom of two sons and a daughter. Time is the best healer for everything, I became a complete South Indian housewife within a short period of 22 years in south and somewhat got accustomed too but heart was not content and I experienced a sort of aloofness from the surroundings though I had to hide this feel from others. I indulged myself in lots of charitable activities which I could afford, gave counselling to young children fearing the same must not be repeated in anyone’s life. Experiencing relief in writing, reading, teaching, counselling so far have completed my voyage against the currents. This aloofness is the result of so many things witnessed by my innocent mind though not involved yet involved to a great extent I till date fail to be a successful person.

Out side all know me as a loving teacher having tremendous power to change minds, yet am a failure. Now my kids have crossed teen age and have good matured understanding attitude, I love to be around as a brisk mom but many a times find it a hard task being again a depressed person, “Oh no, not again”, my mind and heart retort but age is playing hide and seek and I find myself cripple like many a times in coping up life like my young age days. So much of zest yet I was not happy. Always demanding something extra and extra without realizing how I became a harsh person to my own self whereas everyone around me loved my caring and responsible nature. I was not the same with me. Why so much of expectations always criticizing myself!! Maybe I never found my old self and kept searching the chirpy girl who vanished somewhere and emerged a serious over matured person who was never content with her own self, what a tragedy!! Here am my own enemy psychologically.

I met a person resembling to my own experience to the extent of duplication. Sarah felt a burning sense deep inside her being, mingled with hatred she could trace her own feelings well and tried to analyze her disturbed attitude. She could not though recall with clarity but a few images crossed her mind often changing her into a depressed teen, which she hated very much. Teen age mention brings so many colorful memories to every mind but her mind was always filled with an unknown feeling of contempt towards her counterparts. Why her fate played so cruelly with her life even before she could blossom as a woman. She stayed with her parents and a younger sister in a flat close to the suburbs. Never a sense of fear came to her while moving alone in a crowded place or travelling alone from school to home. She had a daring and chirpy nature which everyone loved.

Suddenly on a fateful day she came across a man whom she had not seen before trying to reach her skirt in a crowded train compartment. She could feel his fingers moving freely to hold her body parts but she could not scream as emotions and fear choked her voice. She wanted to move away to save herself but the place was not enough to even think till the station came and and people started to move. The hands had gripped and crushed her trembling body in a devilish manner unaware of her feelings. She was fully collapsed mentally by the time a space was made to at least stand with ease.

When she reached home nothing was the same in her person. She hated to come out of her room. Sobbing incessantly she denied to come out. When ultimately she could gather her voice she told her mother about this heinous experience but she brushed away saying it’s nothing to worry and it happens to every girl in the trains. She expected sympathy and understanding from mother but got a slap instead! Was she her mom or a bitch? How can a mother be so cool? Why then a girl need home and parents? Questions throbbed her mind violently. Bouts of feelings made her frail built body tremble with hatred now for her mother than the beast in the train. All the males in society seemed like mongrels to her and she hated the very sight of them. She stopped talking to mom and kept herself locked despite the knocking of her sister.

Shower could not cleanse her mind nor change her mood. She felt numb in the shower but refused to move as if punishing herself for being responsible for the whole experience. These males have so much of lust in glance and touch, how can these beasts roam freely? Why no one dares to tear their faces? She clenched her fists tightly even while sleeping maybe fighting to unfold the hidden things behind the masked gentle faces! How dare these can think of a woman even before she touches womanhood to spoil her life so ruthlessly? Being a woman is a crime or what, why then all shut their mouth on the mention of  such things which need immediate action? Girls have no value in society or they need such experiences while growing to shatter their whole self because of such low grade people ? Her whole self burnt with hatred, anger for the people surrounding her.

Totally changed person was now searching her own self but in vain, the teen now turned violent, introvert, aggressive and spells of crying stole her natural doe eyed beautiful glowing face charm which could make hearts skip a beat automatically. Manjari was now ready to revenge it seemed first her mother and then others. Her classes failed to capture her roaming mind either friends as she became aloof and avoided company. She was a confused person always with a wavering mind not the usual chirpy one whom none could fail to admire. No one knew the reality but were aghast to see her behave in a whimsical manner. After almost 5 long years on meeting I could sense a matured outlook affected deep somewhere displaying a great impact.

I decided to talk to her maybe it would bring a change to her weird life as I knew her since childhood days. A day was fixed and  both of us sat face to face to share or rather lighten the burden on my mind and her psyche. She composed herself for a little while and then looked into my eyes deeply as if wanted to be sure of herself and check me well before confiding. She asked me to promise her first that I won’t tell anyone about all this. I had to promise.

She narrated her woes and my eyes welled up automatically. At the tender age of 12 she underwent a threatening experience from a male who made her sort of frenzy. After the train episode which only had shattered her mentally she again faced simultaneous attempts from various people some relatives and some strangers  but all disguised as well wishers entered into home and messed up her life. Her step father, then maternal uncle, her boy friend who entertained his close friends with her company. Slowly she somewhat became numb to such happenings, she herself is not sure. Then ultimately when she felt almost dead in spirit tried to change her entire track and revolted against this circle called family and well wishers. Every eye scanned her as if she was a psycho  and needed therapy sessions.

In the beginning she felt depressed, dejected, shocked and gloomy but in a few years she prepared herself to avenge the masked culprits wandering openly playing with innocent lives ruthlessly. Why these moms so fondly advocate wrong doers than the innocent girls who have their world in their moms. She very much hated the sight of a male be brother or father. Blood gushed through her veins very hot from head to toe, making her fragile body tremble. She has established a counselling unit now for young girls especially undergoing such mental torments and also planning to open an industrial unit for various food items so that she can help such girls gain confidence and earnings.

I am so much feeling attached to her as myself underwent all this havoc and overcame with much difficulties than anyone can imagine. Today successfully doing lots of things to keep me engaged and fit.

My Voyage through uncertainty…

Childhood Bliss

A smile crosses automatically and eyes shine bright on the mention of childhood, even on the faces of grandparents, such wonderful days we recall fondly. Since my childhood I had great love for reading as it involves  and without disturbing anyone we can travel into entirely different world at least to ease our mind without much expenses. Now too at 50 am the same, an avid reader and fond  of penning down my feelings. I grew in an average middle class family.

Unfortunately I could never take interest in gossiping or just going around to kill the time, but it has it’s own enjoyments which I never experienced. in childhood. Unlike teen age girls I could never enjoy my time in playing around with friends or fancy at least a few things. My mother was severely suffering from health ailments and I was taking care of the family responsibilities with full fledged schedule missing my childhood becoming mature beyond age. At that time I didn’t realize what and how much it damaged my personal characteristics but gradually I could note that I could never be comfortable in my age group and felt at ease with at least 10 years senior people, what an awkward thing!!

Hardly I realized that I was a misfit for normal life which everyone seemed fond of. Always a sense of duty,  work schedules, sincerity in discharging expected jobs. To my utter astonishment if at all I woke up little late the first thought would be of household chores! In short my childhood was killed and none took even a notice of it !

When I decided to get married all these characteristics started to frighten me as I could not get relaxation mentally even while we were dating and alone! A girl should be reared with a sense of responsibility but not to the extent of killing her natural self. I have a lovely daughter and she knows almost every job she should know but am careful not to let her feel vexed like I used to in her age. Marriage is the best part of a girl’s life especially if it’s love marriage. Don’t get alarmed, yes love marriage has more depth of mutual understanding as they can’t blame others for whatever share of misfortunes or problems they face unlike arranged marriages where both enjoy good times and blame when any problems come in life.

After my marriage I learned so many things to count with my husband who always felt indignant but also could not stay even for a while alone! I loved every moment spent with him though we have not much difference still had our share of differences being reared in different circumstances always thinking clashed which we carried in a balanced manner till we shifted after my son was one and a half to his parental home thus started a crisis for us. Silent torments made us lose our rapport gradually which we hated beyond limit but hardly could do anything his parents being aggressive and dominating, I hated his submissive type but then he was like that and it was not an easy thing to change for a new comer called wife that too when parents opposed the marriage openly!!

Our turn of patience was so long that we almost forgot what’s our choices too! Though it pained yet with small kids growing conflicts would certainly affect, it was a silent agreement between us to be just silent and maintain our personal relationships unaffected. He was jobless as he never knew agriculture work and being a village had not much opportunities of job so again penury attacked us with full vigour and we could not stand the blow. I was blessed as my kids had no lack of mother milk. Early morning kids never cried of hunger. The grown kid was provided with whatever I could afford be it a simple flour prepared liquid or just a chapati like preparation. Being young my kids had tremendous love and understanding or else I would not have overcome the pangs of guilt ever! After my youngest son was 9 I decided to leave the home, so far was managing to stay somehow without the slightest attachment at all just for the sake of my husband who was a Gem in every manner for me, the only solace in my voyage struggling to survive for my kids and him in between facing all sorts of torments of my mom-in-law knowing well enough it was just a temporary phase and sunshine was always there for us! What disturbed me was the fact we were together despite all the harassing experiences head over heels in love with each other never ever willing to separate despite the long lists of negatives. We used to enjoy movies night shows even on bicycle, then scooter, then two wheeler and now car , cherishing every moment including fights to the fullest! This is the magic of probably love marriage!!

Love marriages are highly criticized I think because of jealousy than anything else, so far I have seen love marriages balance so well that they can set an example to others. Surprising each other with our patience to bear whatever offered we could never imagine life without each other even now at 50! Still if am not around my dear hubby gets really disturbed and feels lost, is it possessiveness or liking am not sure. I really feel blessed for being alive after such a long battle to be with my family which is precious to me more than anything. Now after my son has done his engineering and waiting for a job am feeling mentally supported as if his hands would rescue me from all the difficulties, it is my assurance to my own self not to care for anything seriously still it’s a great feeling! My daughter is growing and soon would be parceled to another home and we would be left to balance between our family consisting of two sons and us till my sons get married.

 

Childhood Bliss

A Woman Needs…..

Mostly we can hear people saying it’s tough to understand a woman, I have no idea why they say it but is it true? To understand a human being be a male or female very essential thing is love and respect for each other. In lack of these people stay under one roof with minds apart thus say such things. Be arranged or self choice life partners need little time to understand and share things, not always going out. When they lack time due to any reason it becomes a formality to stay together with a natural gap between them. When both are not having the warmth in relationship they automatically tend to find mistakes to vent the hidden anger, frustration, dejection towards each other.

Earning is essential part but it should not become our aim of life, without materialistic things we can feel happiness but without a life partner certainly we can not feel happiness. A woman generally gives utmost importance to her family after marriage, except a few instances we can see her adjust, sacrifice, work, understand, help, bear, hide her pains for the sake of husband and children. When she does not get in return genuine love and acceptance it’s quite natural to feel dejected and disappointed. A woman needs care and understanding at two junctures, one at child-birth when she is most sensitive and second in menopause phase when she feels isolated, weak, lonely, frustrated, insecure, lethargic, worried, stressed and above all unwanted due to emotional and hormonal changes, which is quite natural but to get understanding, love and care at these junctures is really a boon.

A few are lucky enough to get appropriate behaviour and thus feel normal. I can note the changes in my characteristics and nature, contrary to my usual self I have changed a lot. Though I try my level best to keep myself engaged yet I find myself gloomy quite often despite good family life. On personal level the housewives lack freedom and attention, which gets a sort of negative thing in later stage when they feel isolated from family once children have grown up and do not need mother’s presence like earlier. She feels naturally neglected and a sense of deep fear evolves around her with physical and mental health posing a challenge.

She can’t stand stress and careless attitudes easily. Working woman have a schedule and a circle thus feel confident and can cope up better than housewives. Some time must be spent for personal life to feel the closeness in relations, not must to talk sense or go out, just being together means lot. Actually most of the people are seen to long for being together after marriage because of the attraction which soon vanishes after a few years but in fact that longing should be always around to keep any relationship alive.

In the absence of this zest to live, people seem to drift apart and naturally the blame has to put on someone thus a lady is given the whole credit!! What is the thing reducing the warmth of a relationship? Good question but tough to answer. Personal space is essential, in average families a woman is the whole responsibility bearer but as children grow up she finds herself quite empty, schedule wise so certain imbalance is spotted, to keep the balance if a husband is supportive well and good. or the woman feels hooked to aloofness, depressions, loneliness, worries beyond practicality, mood swings, irregular sleep etc. These symptoms are more psychological than physical thus love and understanding are the best medicine ever recommended by any doctor. Forgetting this we run to doctors and gulp down sheets of tablets without any positive result. in this critical phase ladies tend to drift away in the search of understanding and many a times fall in love. Nothing to get dumbstruck as everybody alive needs love and there is nothing unnatural if it comes late. we have a wrong notion about woman that she must not express or feel anything outside her family, if her heart is full of content why she need emotional support from outside? All she needs is little care and true understanding to sacrifice her whole self willingly.

I have seen a few women divorced just for silly reasons in young age when they find adjustment tough and later regret as they  feel incomplete without family. Impulsive decisions always are regretted by both male as well female but a male can sustain whereas a female can not in our culture and society. I know a few ladies who hide their true self in liquor and party but in the nights find hard to digest the changes. Why this duplicate attitude? To run away from the piercing looks and mind blowing questions. None supports a single lady after separation be on whatever grounds and apart from age they need to hide themselves from the vulgarity of our ugly society wearing a mask of decency! Shamelessly they are approached and really it is tough to get away from such critical situations being physically and emotionally weak however strong mentally and intellectually we become family is our weak point.

A friend took the decision to get separated thinking to survive on her own potentials without being a slave but when came out of family was aghast to see the changed face of people without any sympathy or understanding, apart from this at 40 she has to hide from piercing looks and comments full of lust expressed openly. She is within 5 years a mentally broken person, her children now mature have erased the old memories and reject her love adamantly and she feels lonely as none is willing to accept her. Little egoistic attitude made her lose family life. Both the children and parents feel the pangs but have no option than to live separate, the years have paved a distance between the relationship which can not be bridged ever.

Family is a sweet combination of many elements and each gives immense pleasure, with it a few negatives are associated which can not be thrown away for personal freedom at any cost. At every juncture we need family security to keep us going. Many underestimate the adjustments as slavery which is entirely judged in wrong and impractical manner. it’s a parcel to be handled with care throughout the journey of life. Once separated the essence is gone permanently and then we long for the recognition a family gives to a female. More than ever in old age a woman needs family to fall asleep without worrying or fearing. Children also forget the pains if a woman is divorcee. Even if they think of restarting a new life lots of things pose hurdle especially when it’s late. Late marriages may be a fashion in western countries but certainly not in Indian culture where we have fixed standards about almost everything and changes are not welcomed. Love marriages are a big failure due to this mentality in India. We can talk but can not accept in reality.

A woman if bent can be a wonderful and oriented towards her goal be it anything, her entire energies have a focus unlike average woman who focus only on family. I have met many achievers and also felt strong reverence for them for being a savvy. A doctor I met when she could not talk clearly due to age and was surprised to know that she belonged to a south Indian family and was a widow at just 12 years. After her husband’s demise she decided to go abroad and study medicine to serve the needy and successfully completed her mission by opening a hospital where poor girls were trained as nurse and later appointed for the same hospital. Everyone thought she was a spinster but when I once interviewed her, she flipped through a few pages for me. All were surprised to know that before she could know the meaning of marriage she became widow and thus came a strong minded woman to transform many a lives with her true and genuine dedication towards easing the pains of poor. I still remember vividly how much struggles I faced to meet Dr. Seethalakshmi in Mumbai and on meeting how much happy she felt to talk about her bygone days to my mother who fortunately had delivered in her hospital and often expressed the desire to meet her. Hats off to such great woman!! Only a woman has the persistent and painstaking efforts to do something for the society without the slightest selfishness!! We can see many like this doctor. Many mother Teresa likes are to be complimented yet for their contributions.

The strength of a woman lies in her weakness for her family, her children, her husband. Nagging is also appreciated by her in a loving manner! God has gifted woman  a heart to accommodate beyond limit everything including pains and sacrifices just to see a gleaming smile on the faces of people around her! That’s why it is said that the person not having a mother is the poorest of all even if owns the whole Universe! The family is interwoven with a bond because of a woman and it’s evident if a woman is missing in a family at the very first glance! Such a wonderful role has been given to a woman to create love around her.

A woman needs only true feelings and in return gives boundless love.

A Woman Needs…..

True Love

I happened to meet a couple on New year celebrations fortunately. The couple had an aura around them which none could fail to notice. Deep liking and respect for each other, they stole my heart. When we exchanged a few details I came to know they had love marriage and no issues. They never regretted as both felt a deep satisfaction in each other company, though for many it was a negative but when they didn’t bother no one dared to say anything.

They narrated their love story to me with every minute detail of their first meet, decision to marry, marriage, growing liking, travelling experiences and much more as if reading from a passage. In between passing comments to make us feel light.

For them their world was complete. Both found immense pleasure in teaching various things to kids for charity, also gave training and counselling to youngsters. I had a sense of reverence for them. In the fast pacing modern world we lack quality time to spend with kids and this brings different consequences. This couple, when thought of kids it was too late. Taking care of kids demanded lots of things which could have certain limitations so they decided to opt charity work and gain contentment.

Practical and genuine attitude. They had more social responsibilities to keep themselves occupied and besides both loved travelling around the globe thus definitely had a good knowledge accompanied with presence of mind and humorous nature, wherever needed they complimented to show genuine interest sharing in between loving glances they were the best couple around on the eve of New Year. I thanked my friend for introducing them to me.

When a person questioned about children they said we are both like children to each other, taking care, showering love and enjoying every moment together. Why do you feel so dear? The person who questioned felt awkward and I saluted the couple made for each other…

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A friend was travelling with family of five kids with his beloved wife, when he had to go out to a nearby shop, noticed a girl wearing ragged dress crying. he felt a surge of mixed emotions being uncontrollable he advanced towards her just to console. The way he caressed her tangled hair, she hugged his legs tightly and my friend could not free himself easily so he sat close to her holding her puny hands in his strong palms kissed and asked gently controlling his hoarse voice. she told her story in between sobs and gasping which he heard with great patience and decided to make her the 6th girl of his mini family knitted with strong bonds of love. His wife on hearing his decision only smiled gently and said, “we are so lucky to have this angel.” from that day this girl was one of them in everything without the slightest trace of being stranger but felt close to my friend.

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A young girl fostered a desire to run a home to shape up a few lives in such a way that those tiny eyes could twinkle with stars and dry lips could smile broad like any other kid with parents to shower love. This dream remained but unfulfilled due to the circumstances and she felt a sense of incompleteness around her heart hovering and making her feel guilty as she grew and later had to marry and run a family. Despite her willingness to do so she failed, financial freedom makes lots of things possible and impossible in reverse situations. Now this dream has to gain a form to get a self satisfaction, somehow an opportunity came her way in 43 years age. The dream of teen age came near reality so well that with eyes full of tears she bowed to the Almighty for offering her thanks with whole heart.

A boy was introduced to her for English coaching, being a teacher her profession offered her a chance to experiment and help a few candidates genuinely in need of true love and guidance. A few had parents whereas a few lacked this privilege. this boy of almost 20 was a fearful and full of inferiority complex. Any efforts to teach were rejected but without any such intentions from his side. This made her further caring and bent to achieve success in shaping  him up in every possible way being her first son without any formality of adoption. In a few weeks time he could understand her genuine efforts of teaching and responded accordingly. Almost 2 years spent together in exploring various hidden tangles to be sorted out deep inside psyche, now they share a good rapport and enjoy being together for hours with a deep satisfaction to beat this incomparable relationship. Today well employed he has a vast canvas to portray his capabilities and a strong support to mend him. Fostering gives boundless pleasures. He is the first ring in the chain to be continued.

True Love